


my heart shouldnt love you

by katiecarothers



Series: i just hope you see this [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2019-11-12 16:52:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 55
Words: 2,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18014699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiecarothers/pseuds/katiecarothers
Summary: A sequel to “What I’ll Never Tell You.”





	1. at night

_at night_

when she 

leaves you

do you 

run back 

to me

out of

love

or 

lust?

__


	2. jealousy

of course

she was

going

to be

jealous.

_-she still loved you, silly._


	3. someone else

you told her that you still loved her, but your actions didn’t show any difference.

_-this is why she chose someone else over you._


	4. Chapter 4

she wanted you 

to tell her

that she was 

enough

for you.

_-you still question what triggered her eating disorder._


	5. what she told me (pt 2)

she told me that

she loved me,

and proceeded to 

tell me

about the hickey 

on her breasts.

_-how was i going to trust someone who could not even stay loyal with their words?_


	6. everyday

everyday,

you are going

to see her

and that 

is exactly why

i sometimes

cannot 

trust you.


	7. a thank you to myself

i think i owe a “thank you” to myself for starting to give less fucks about you and starting to give all the fucks in the world about myself.

_-thank you for being my first act of self-love._


	8. every freckle

i may not have been able to memorize every freckle on her body like she did, but i was able to recognize every shatter in her heart like no other.

_-an ode to allison._


	9. taunting

and there she was

in the exact same spot

she told me

i would never find her.

_-please stop taunting me._


	10. sage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don’t need you  
> to write my story  
> i write it  
> e v e r y d a y  
> & you couldn’t   
> even translate  
> the f***ing  
> punctuation.  
> -she

she used sage 

to clean the room

and i thought

”if only healing

came so easily.”


	11. love yourself.

they say that you 

can not love 

anyone unless

you simply

love 

yourself.

_-my darling, it has not always worked like this in my life._


	12. how to kill a lover in two easy steps.

it killed me to think of her with someone else but it killed her more to tell her i was okay with it.

_-my second act of self-love would be to pretend i do not love you._


	13. ky

i know exactly what it was like to have a “Ky” in my life.

_-we all had someone to run back to._


	14. how does it feel?

how does it feel

to know

that you 

can no longer

have me

in the ways

you used to? 


	15. Why I shouldnt love you (part one)

you’re holding

my heart

while you hold 

anothers hand.

_-this is why i shouldn’t love you._


	16. she.

she texted me the pictures that you somehow could not manage to send.

by she, i mean your girlfriend. your new girlfriend- who is anything else but me.

she has beautiful red hair that she dyed to hide the brown that came naturally and for some reason she hides that genetically given side of her. i do not judge her because this is the one thing that she and i have in common asides from you.

she likes poetry- edgar allen poe, in specific. it bothers me because you and i like poetry. you and i had a bond over edgar allen poe and now i am left in tears because i am not your annabel lee after all. i am simply me, the girl who has dyed orange hair with blonde highlights because the hair dye did not turn out the way i planned for it to.

i did not plan for any of this to happen like this. i did not expect for she to be the one to replace me. i did not plan for you to find someone who was not me because you talked about me as if you had stardust in your eyes but you did this as you grabbed my wrists and threw a vase at the wall, so maybe i should have expected this. i should have expected that i will never be as amazing as she.

 


	17. the tables have turned

who would’ve thought you would break the hearts of two girls and suddenly they joined together as one?

_-the tables have turned._


	18. Undeserving

she was so undeserving of both of us.

she was so underserving of

she was so underserving

she was so 

she was

she.

_-now you have lost the both of us._


	19. impossible

but that

would be

impossible.

_-do you really believe that i would let you go that easily?_


	20. impossible

but that

would be

impossible.

_-do you really believe that i would let you go that easily?_


	21. chapter one.

i  will start every chapter off as chapter one in hopes that this start over will continue to start over each day. each day is our new chapter.


	22. They will not understand.

mothers don’t understand our poems.

mothers don’t understand poetry.

mothers will not understand this chapter.

mothers will not understand our love.

 


	23. your heart shouldn’t love me either

maybe your heart shouldn’t love me either.

_-the sad truth i hate to admit._


	24. away

every time you go away i can normally force myself to avoid the temptations of falling into sin with the world who will never love me in the ways you have taught me to love. this time, you went away, and i (almost) fell into the trap. this time i am praying that you do not (always) leave me because whenever you go away, it now varies. 

_-please don’t go away._


	25. lonely nights

it is another lonely night of waiting for you to return home from the military. i am cold, dark, and deteriorated from the mistakes i have (almost) made while you were gone. i am as lonely as the night is.  


	26. when she leaves me

when she leaves me, (because i know she will)

i hope she sees the joy that she put in my eyes inside of someone else’s. i hope that whatever path she may cross is a path that leads to a more stable girl than the one she currently loves. when she leaves me- i cannot imagine the rest of the story.


	27. this isn’t for you

for the golden heart princess,

this is not for you.

she has showed me that my heart

always has 

and always be be

stronger than iron

and worth more than gold.

 _-she has become my glimmer of hope._  


	28. day one

day one without her could only be described with my actions. there were no feelings, only just a tad bit of worry that appeared as i sunk down against the wall in my schools bathroom and cried due to the fact that i may not ever see her again. day one without her was me trying to protect myself by telling her that she will come back, but my mind knows what else could happen. 


	29. day two

day two without her:

~~trying not to worry~~

~~telling myself it will be okay~~

~~trying to convince myself that her mother could not have been that abusive, could she?~~

~~smiling to my friends’ faces but in reality i am crying into my pillow at night~~

~~eating less and less~~

~~looking forward to the countless days ahead of me where i am bound to die because i swore that girl would be the death of me.~~

~~****~~ **trying to convince myself that she did not want to leave.**


	30. just in case you see this

dear babygirl,

i love you. i have loved you since the day you sent me those glasses to tell me that i was blind for calling you pretty. i have loved you since the first time i held your hand and you laced our fingers together and we felt right for once in our relationship. if you are seeing this, i hope that you realize i am not mad at you. i could never be mad at you because you, quite frankly, have stolen every broken piece of me and somehow super glued it back together with the strongest glue that brings me affection and comfort when i realize we are together. i will always be here waiting for you. i will wait eternity’s for you. if you ever come back to me with someone else, please know that you are always welcomed back into my life. you are always welcomed to come back and be my babygirl. you are always welcomed back to be my princess once again. 

xoxo,

forever yours.


	31. reckless nights

i don’t even know if i can continue writing proses about you. 

_-reckless nights_


	32. paper towns

maybe this is your rendition of John Green’s paper towns . maybe you are my margo  roth spiegelman and you are begging me to find you.

_-always searching._


	33. this is why i don’t go outside

today i was forced to go outside where i sat there and cried while listening to passenger’s let it go, praying that if there is any god out there, he will bring you back to me. 


	34. once again

once again, she is in my dreams that i know i need to wake up from but i know that if i do, it will become my own nightmare.


	35. in my heart

and in my heart, i knew that she wouldn’t see this but my mind told me that maybe i should keep on writing out the words i love you until it caught her attention. 


	36. the scariest part

the scariest part of it all wasn’t the thought of losing her but the fact that i would not know exactly how i would lose her. 

 

_-physically and spiritually are two different things._


	37. my heart really shouldn’t love you

and when i first started this book, everything told me to just title it what i did because part of me knew i shouldn’t love you but part of me really really wanted to and in the end you never loved me back.

_-my heart really shouldn’t love you._


	38. reason #1

reason #1 why i shouldn’t love you.

_-while i dream about sleeping with you, you’re dreaming about sleeping with her._


	39. Reason #2

reason #2 why i shouldn’t love you.

_-when you’re act like you don’t care, you’re only convincing me you don’t._


	40. reason #3

reason #3 why i shouldn’t love you

_-you have made me believe that maybe i deserved to puke my every meal up, spread my legs for every asp that dares to crawl upon my skin, and close my heart up to anyone who finds a way to tear down its briars and barbed wires around it._


	41. reason #5

reason #5 why i shouldn’t love you:

_-because the last book i wrote about you was called “what ill never tell you” and maybe you’ve just convinced me enough to believe that i should have kept those thoughts to myself._


	42. relapse

my worst relapse is not my eating disorder, it is you. because i know that i am always going to be triggered and run back to you. 

_-i can purge everything in me except for my love._


	43. i hate you, i love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i hate you, i love you,  
> I hate that I love you,  
> Don’t want to but I can’t put nobody else above you.  
> I hate you, i love you,  
> I hate that I want you.  
> You want her, you need her, and I’ll never be her.

i hate you and i love you because you have taught me more about how to hate myself than how to love myself.

_-moving on will be my first act of self-love._


	44. too close

the irony of the girl who loves you somehow manages to become the girl i take interest in.

_-do i love being close to her or being close to you?_


	45. scripted

maybe your love for me was way too scripted for me to comprehend


	46. see through

even when you pretend to be someone else, i hope you know i see right through you.

_-trust me when i say that i know you’re not yourself._


	47. the tables have turned

i find it

i r o n y

that you

always

find your

way back

to me

when i

convince

myself

i do not

need you.

 _-the tables have turned._  


	48. end it

you have no idea how badly i want to end our story. as much as i loved reading it, sometimes you get tired of rereading the same chapters over and over again. sometimes you start to wonder if someone else is reading another book instead of your own and that is what convinced me to end out it.

_-a chapter i should have never written._


	49. okay

you told me you wanted to die and i replied with a simple “okay.”

_-what i meant to tell you was please don’t go._


	50. theatrical

i guess you really could say im a theatrical person.

_-pretending i don’t love you is quite the act itself._


	51. don’t go.

don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go. don’t go.

_-a cry out for help._


	52. relapse

every freaking time i go back to you like you’re some type of drug that i have to keep running back to but i don’t even want to leave in the first place.

_-a lovers relapse._


	53. (im not ready for this to end yet)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for the past few months I’ve been waiting to end this book but I don’t want to now

everytime you hurt me it only makes me want you to keep this going. don’t end it. don’t cut us short. this is our story and we just have a bad chapter going on right now but we’re going to be okay- right? 

_-(im not ready for this to end yet.)_


	54. Abuse.

i was not in an abusive relationship, i was only allowing myself to let the relationship abuse myself- therefore this is self-harm, but it’s different because i don’t have control over it. i don’t want to stop it. i wanted you to keep hurting me. i wanted to feel something, anything, even if it meant you were going to build me up like building blocks just to bulldoze your hateful CAT machine.

_-abuse_


	55. i just hope she sees this.

_-i just hope she sees this and knows that i wasn’t ready for our story to end._


End file.
